March 31st will be a good day indeed [I hope]

Dear blog

I’m sorry I’ve neglected you.

I’ve had things on my mind plus I run 2 other blogs.

There is a real sense of understanding ‘time’ and a real need to somehow stretch it out and make everything count at the moment.

In the corner of my eye, just out of visibility there is this huge giant clock showing a count down. At the moment I’m at work and that count down is firstly to the end of the day when I can escape this festering landscape of repetition… then there is increasing awareness of the END date. Which for me is March 31^st … and then I’m increasingly aware of time slipping through my hands like a large strand of bunting I just can’t quite grab hold of it and make it stop. My son has started junior school, be it the summer tan, the new haircut or the new uniform but he suddenly appears to have matured. He’s taking responsibility for more and more. TICK TOCK TICK TOCK. Sometimes it’s deafening.

2012 shall bring some relief to this work related lunacy I’m sure of it. Well I’m hopeful of it.

Time and what can be accomplished in the measured doses of it seems to be playing a large part in the microcosm I live it. My best friend in the entire world has Hodgkins Lymphoma stage 4b. This sucks. Rather a lot and it’s a case of here we go again. It takes x amount of time to be diagnosed and x amount of time to start treatments. Answers are vague and decisions seem nonsensical.  I’ve been in denial with her, angry with her and now we’re accepting it together. My role is one of clown, one of perspective giver and one of empathy provider.  

I’m very much aware though that this magical state of 31^st March is one where not only my life, but hopefully hers will turn a corner. So much seem to be waiting March 31^st.

Then in wallowing melancholy I think about people who meant a lot to me. People I’ve lost through life, through death and that too makes me fearful of next year. Who next ..? Who else is going to depart?

I watched a work related video yesterday. In this video they told us how everything is going to be great when we lose our jobs, how the only thing stopping us is ourselves. So that’s ok. Duh! If I make it ok it will be ok. That’s ok then. Whilst I was being subjected to this saccharin high fiveness of corporate crappolla I looked around the room to see a vast majority of ‘colleagues’ donning droopy slack jawed expressions like they were actually enjoying being told how great not having a job will be. I was sat next to one lady who applauded the positivity oozing from the egocentric speaker. I too could be like him if I made that choice. BLUGH. I guess its freedom of choice really. If people like this shit then who am I to gripe.

So perhaps I need to make the choice to stop being obstructive with my opinions, make the choice to take the easier path of acceptance. This is after all what Buddhism tells me. I’m just such an obstinate witch at times, although I’m told this is due to inherited Karma. Sometimes that’s crystal clear, like looking through a sheet of glass, other times it’s more like a mirror. I just see me cocking up and being shit and I’m frustrated that I can’t change and refuse to believe this is a cyclical and inherited.

Anywhooo enough of my negativity. Plaster the face of optimism back on and attempt to spread good cheer and happiness.

Lilly

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