SMS: Save my Sanity

In life I think it’s the mistakes we make that cause us to reflect on what makes us happy.

 

Recently I made an utterly dire mistake. I took a new job following redundancy. Let me set the scene and illustrate just exactly how blindly stupid I have been.

 

My interview was soft. No hard hitting technical questions or probing situational questions. One of the interviewers kept winking at me. I was asked about my marriage situation. I was asked about coping with children. I was asked about my mortgage situation. Let’s be clear here, the job wasn’t as the new head of the IMF, it was as a software tester in a tiny company.

And yet despite all of these misgivings I took the role based on a) the need to earn an income and b) the opportunity to roll out better test practises and automation.

On arrival day 1 I was asked if I would rather have a lap top or a static computer … which was odd as I’d explained during my interview that on occasion, and it really is occasion in order to balance life and work it is always good to be able to work from home. During my interview I was promised that this was completely acceptable. My new MD however informed me that it would be an absolute no to work from home.

OK. Deep breath.

New role as it transpires bears little resemblance to the one described in the interview. Time has stood still for this company in relation to software development. The last time I saw problems that these guys are having was in roughly 1997. They are looking at me to drag them out of last century and into this one. OK. Count to 10. Twice.

Over hearing my MD referring to ethnic people using racial slurs was rather unexpected. Hearing that the company is on a knife edge and at times has been waiting for a cheque to cash before knowing how long they can run for. Really at this point it’s clear I’ve made a judgement of error.

The overall atmosphere is additionally peculiar – silence with a tinge of hostility. The majority of people working here have been here for 15 years+ and have never worked anywhere else. Bless them, they do not know that life is much nicer elsewhere. If I wasn’t depressed to start off with I would be at the thought of staying here for much longer. No one talks, no one plans, no one mentions what they’re doing. At least not to me. Any information shared with me is incomplete and full of distractions. Nothing and I mean nothing is documented. They haven’t heard of ISEB/ ISTQB/ BDD/ QC/ Selinium yada yada. I’m a software tester get me out of here.

 

So the hunt began, desperately at first wanting to get the hell out of here asap. Then the offers started rolling in. TFFT! This lead me to hand in my notice after less than 5 complete weeks here. In predictable fashion my MD has informed me I must work my notice period out, despite the soft clause in my contract that states it can be waived by mutual agreement. Although, having seen how unprofessional and out of date they are, this has not come as a surprise.

 

I have been sent to Coventry and it’s one hell of a commute!. Petulance rules here defacto .. my punishment for being honest and informing them I didn’t want to waste any more time as I knew that this wasn’t the right role or company to thrive in for me is to be ignored. Work place bullying much? Left here, not understanding what they want from me. No one talking to me. Clock watching. The light at the end of the tunnel gets brighter every day.

 

Now this time I have [28 days now] I am using to reflect on what drove me to choose this as a potential good source of employment fulfilment, the negative signs were there in the interview.

 

I ‘think’ having been corporate for such a long time, I have romantic notions of what working for a smaller company is like. My very first job was with a small company and I loved the banter and the rapid decision making and the shared goals. That particular company though had a pulse and you felt part of a team. I can only state that wanting something different, wanting an opportunity and wanting to recreate this brotherly love I experienced some 15 years ago over-ruled my head. My wise head that deep down gets everything right even when my erratic romantic heart bullies it into submission.

 

So yet again, Lilly, on your path to enlightenment you’ve messed up something chronic.

 

On the plus / faith in human nature restoration side, I have had endless support from a lot of people. People who have noticed the rather extreme and rapid weight loss / being on the verge of tears 99% of the time/ chain smoking like a bitch thing/ incapable of raising a smile and floating off into a fuggy world of misery just isn’t me. People have checked in on me and told me off and told me to have confidence in myself. Told me the things I’d forgotten about myself. Let me talk endlessly about myself in a purely [and out of character] selfish way. The first time in my life, having been through births, deaths, marriages and divorces, I couldn’t think of anything else other than how pitiful I had become, how loathsome I was, how undeserving I am. Essentially, I think I was scraping my rock bottom. Ouch.

 

But the turnaround began for me last Sunday. I went to the Buddhist temple with friends and my son. It was a lovely family day and whilst it was bitterly cold we sat and chanted and through it I felt at peace with myself for the first time in weeks. The constant surge of vomitable sensation abated. I felt I was able to hold a conversation without looking for a get out clause that would allow me to go and mope some more. I felt that ‘you know what, I’m not giving them anymore of my energy, it’s negative and will cause other negativity to circulate me and I’m done with that. I let it go. My energy is best spent on making the world a peaceful place, not filling it with more sadness and selfishness. The offers started coming in on the Monday and as soon as I received my first paper contract through the door I handed in my notice. I have not vomited in 5 days. I have achieved 6 hours constant sleep a night and I have driven both too and from work without bawling my head off [oh yes Alice Cooper emulation – mascara everywhere].

 

Now the next step. Where to accept as my next job?

 

Job 1:

30 mins commute away.

Working with a real mover and shaker in the software testing industry. I will learn a lot from this place and gain some really important skills. They have a real drive and goal and energy, the company has a lot of heavy investment. I think I can be happy here.

More money than I’m currently earning.

 

Job 2:

10 mins commute away.

In a potential volatile industry that squeezes everytime it’s hit financially.

Lots of lovely nice friendly people.

Senior position.

Can work from home a lot – benefits are good.

On less money than I’m currently earning.

 

Job 3:

Possible the dullest job of all.

20 mins commute away.

Less money

Total safe ‘forever’ job.

 

 

Job 4:

Big huge giant cooperate.

I’ll be face less.

It’s working on security systems that compromise the bejeezus out of my morals.

Same money and same commute as I have now. [30 mins]

 

Whatsagirltodo!!!